i have tried

there is nothing more to say.

I am exactly were I was 4 months ago.

broken.

not able to function.

not able to live on.

this is like a bad dream coming true.

how can I get through it again?

I cannot...

about two months ago I said...

"either im over it, or it will come back to me and ill be broken again."

i never knew how true the second option was.

the thing is i didnt understand.

i didnt knew until now.

therefore its so much worse now.

would you ever give upon someone you knew you loved and they loved you back?

would you be able to do it?

who would?

how is it possible that he is capable of such an action?

all this doesnt respond to what he said before.

he talks in one way but acts in one that is totally opposite. how dare he?

i thought it would be different this time.

that he would fight.

fight til the end.

and the end would be something weve always dreamt of, planned, talked about...

geez, i know it wouldnt be easy.

but nothing is.

and the tough things pay back.

it works only this way.

we need to deserve it. but he backs off before even trying.

this is all wrong.

and i cant handle it.

on top of that, the winter semestrs over.

and i have so much time.

however i dont know how to use it.

so i just lay down all day.

every fucking day.

the problem is...

i could go on even tho my strength is less than little.

but i dont want to.

and i cannot force my body into something my head disapproves of.

its not normal, i know.

i might be in a serious need of some help.

i mean, professional?

i seriously havent done anything productive since i came home.

this makes me kind of worried.

i am not in a position that allows a procrastination.

[great, i just remembered probably the last time he told me he loved me.

i was watching lara and he went to mh. he didnt even wanna go.

but i told him he should, that he should have fun.

he came home kind of drunk.

honestly, it was funny and sweet.

and then he told me how much he loved me, how i was the most important thing in his life.

how he never wanted to lose me...]

this i will never forget.

and many others. of course...

three years of our lives..

i cannot stop the tears.

i lost the faith.

now i know why ive never had a guy before him.

i never used to trust them.

didnt want to get my heart broken.

but then he showed up and i couldnt resist.

and now? everything i believed in was crushed.

i was stupid to trust.

i should have kept the distance.

but ive never been a girl that dates one guy after another.

that doesnt care.

and thats the point.

then why doesnt he believe in me.. us?

gosh, i should stop writing stuff like this in here.

this is so depressive.

but i need to get it out.

and this is the only way i can think of.

at first i was trying to tell him... but he doesnt react anymore.

he said he cant do anything about it.

wtf?

how can he say that?

i tried everything.

i wanted to fix it.

i still want to.

but i feel im losing him.

im about to give up.

i love you.

and do not want to pretend i do not...

ive done enough of that.

                                                                                             

i cannot even sleep.

and that is scary. i havent slept in a normal way for weeks...

my head is aching. 

ive finally seen harry potter and the deathly hallows. 

a four hour movie? okay.

i loved it. even tho i watched it like the whole day, cuz i couldnt concentrate. 

im so sad the series over. 

it was the book our generation grew up with.

isnt that crazy?

and now its over.

the next thing one can label with "its over".

and the mood in our house is weird.

not talking much.

moms kinda annoyed all the time. 

that doesnt help my state of mind at all. 

fuck.

i cannot take it anymore. 

i am devastated

and not gonna make it.
never. ever.
after all this.
without him.
NEVER.

i do not understand

not at all.
i was quite sure we could have solved it.
as normal human beings.
why is he doing this?
i probably need to get over it.
it doesnt seem worth it.
why did i let him get me into it?
i cannot go on.
his actions are pretty much clear...
even tho i still believe in some hope.
i should act rationally.
why does he always act like a coward?
it makes me mad.
and sad.
depressed!

and headaches been bothering me for more than two weeks.
i feel like my heads gonna explode.
its so painful.
and i have no idea what else to do than take pills.
however i try to take as little as possible, cuz i know very well it loses its effect over some period of time.

gosh, i should cut my hands or legs off... i drove there again today,
covinced i would go to the fucking entrance,
ring the bell and
talk to him.
...
his car wasnt there.

why doesnt he talk to me anymore?
what was the fucking purpose of all this?
why did he bother to write me in the first place?
if he hasnt replied until now when will he?
will he ever?
fuck.
i still cannot get him out of my mind.
its like a nightmare.

and im sooo stupid.
thats what its about.

im done with school for this year. which is great.
but next semester is going to be quite difficult.
not to mention i still have some exams to do in january.
actually,
the school is the only thing i got now.
except work.
great,
sounds attractive.

kill me now.
duh, shoot me in my head.
at least i wont think about him.

great

im sitting here.
crying.
i am so stupid. so much!
why would i even think it could work again?
i slept most of the time today.
and it feels exactly like the days 4 months ago.
the sleep saves me from the despair.
i so lost it.

ive been such a fool

cannot believe how easy ive fallen for him again.
he did such a horrible thing and i do not give a damn. not at all.
i just want him back.
isnt this freaking weird?
we changed a lot of messages.. and the result of all this "potential" whatever it was...?
talking about me having made out with some guys.
what?
i was single. he ditched me. he kicked me out of his life. so violently.
i was desperate.
didnt have anything to enjoy... to live for.
so after i got a bit better i went out and acted like a single girl
who wouldnt?
he ignored me. he didnt want me anymore.
so i tried if i could get closer to any guy anymore... that is fucking all.
i did nothing bad.
i had to live on. i couldnt be stuck at one point... i had to move on.
he was the one that fucking destroyed it!
and i was gonna ignore it, forget it, forgive it.
he fucked with some fucking whore and i am supposed to feel bad, cuz i kissed someone?
btw. of course he did it while we were still dating.
i am so down.
why did he even tell me? why would he do that after some fucking 4 months?
my momma told me today that i swear too fucking much.
i do.
but it releases my anger.
geez, he cheated on me. and i am the bad one.
i would love to start over.
but i wrote him the exact opposite.
i dont know why. i tried to write what i feel, but since he doesnt seem to really care i couldnt go on.
i am so desperate that i wrote him i cannot take this anymore. that nothing had changed.
and he did not argue. he just wrote okay, whatever you want.
i failed.
i failed in so many ways.
i said i wouldnt fall for him again.
i did.
i said i wouldnt answer if he decided to write me.
i did.
i swore i wouldnt go to the parking lot above his place.
i did.
i said i would stay focused and hard.
i didnt.

i really dont want it to be over.
or do i?
no.
i know it would be so much easier if i just simply moved on
but i have no idea how.
nothing works withouh him.
even tho i can party and such... and i dont need to care about anyone...
but.
you know...
no, of course you dont.
i cant even explain it to myself. how could i explain it to the others?
damn.

i sit here now
and wait for whatever he does.
as far as he does something.

the surprise of 4th December

ugh.
this made me so confused. i cant even tell.
everything i have ever believed in was messed up. totally.

i still do not believe.
i mean,
how could he?
how would he?
how did he?

he is the most conscientious and moral guy i know.
i would have never known if...

it was 4th December, 15 minutes till midnight.
and the message came.
it was simple, just 'all the best to your name day'
but i could not resist writing back.

who knows if i shouldve done that, but i did.
we talked. and i couldnt believe how similar feelings we both had.
his messages looked like they were written by me.
seriously!
the only thing which we differed in was how long the period of being seprated seemed to us.
i felt it was like the eternity, on the contrary he thought its was like two days.

and then it came.
he did cheat on me.
he wrote me so he could admit he was a cheater?
now? 4 months later?
how weird is that for the last two weeks ive been thinking what really happened between us?
where was the turning point?
i thought i was the one who destroyed our relationship.
i tried everything...
and suddenly here it was... he was the one who messed up.

he said he couldnt look at my eyes, neither his.
that he couldnt see me, cuz he didnt want to tell me, he knew it would hurt me too much.
he was scared that he would lose me.
but he did anyway.
i was so disappointed. and angry, of course. but relieved at once.
i finally knew what exactly happened.
and do not need to think about it all the time anymore.

but he did go on.
he said he still loved me. that i was the best thing he ever had. that hes desperate.
but that he wont interfere with my life anymore.
even tho he would like to make it up.

SERIOUSLY?!!
you cannot write you cheated on me, you love me and that you wont bother me anymore!
thats not how it goes.
it shouldnt be like that, jesus.

i am at the point i was four months ago.
he did not write anymore.
not yet.
and i still hope he will.

i do want to talk about it.
solve it.
i dont know, maybe im stupid...
i cannot resist the affection i have for him.
i so do not want to fall into it again...
but i know i love him.

even tho im very scared nothing has changed.
i promised i wouldnt try it again.
but this is so tough now.
i want it all back.
i need him.
fuck.

this is ridiculous

i dunno whats happening
but im seriously going crazy.
i think about him...
every single day.
every one!
this is not normal.
not good at all.
i miss it
i miss it all.
feel like i need to see him.
but thats bullshit
i know.
but cannot resist.
gettin weak.

so im thinking why this is happening. maybe because im lately stressed too much..?
the school stuff is just unbearable.
there are only two weeks left till the end of school.
and so much work to do.
i cannot sleep. or better, i would sleep cuz im tired as hell but i just need to work, work and work.
getting frustrated.
i need to get wasted. and i mean it.
but cant. cuz sure, i am working the whole weekend. and on top of that friday as well.
we also have a christmas party from work on saturday.
should i go or not?
i have a presentation and test on monday. need to get working on the corpus presentation. need to answer the case studies, write another essay. study for the banking test. do the bachelor thesis stuff for the seminar. and of course, read a fucking 200 page book for literature in film.
hopefully, there will be no exam in british satire. cuz its for sure we wont get away with one in irish literature.
geez. i need a day to be like hundred and fifty hours. could be more, i wouldnt mind.
dont know how ill get up tomorrow... and the days after...
hate it!
and my legs hurt so much!
fucking cramps in calfs. cannot get rid of them. it does hurt! really!

and hes still in my fucking head.
fuck!

what the heck

i dont know if its meant to be a joke or what...
but its on again.
one movie. one night. twice?
seriously?
this is one of the bad nights.

i know this is not a good thing to say...
but i miss him!
very much.

even tho i remember it all.

"cocain"

im sitting in our kitchen, trying to write a research paper which is due to wednesday.
besides im watching tv, cuz i hate the silence which is disturbed only by the sound of me writing.
i was switching the programs and all of sudden there it was.
blow.
the movie. on nova cinema.
its the movie he loved. loved from the beginning to the very end.
and he was the one who told me about it.
and he was the one i watched it with.
the first time.
and now... there it was on tv.
how am i supposed to write something readable that will get me credits after this?
to be honest, im in this kind of a wierd mood all day long. i have been thinking of him, not gonna lie.
and than i sit in front of the tv and this comes out?
is that like an omen?
uh, this is fucking tough.
i would love to have him back. i know its crazy... after all that has happened.
but seriously...
i act like im over it.
i feel like im over it... or at least im convincing myself about it...
but in the end, it always turns out not to be true.
i am not over it at all.
or not at this particular moment. not at any moment when i feel stressed, down, alone or unhappy from head to toe.
i feel like i need him.
we had no chance to say a proper farewell.
i know it had lots of issues. but i think it over and over and cannot see the exact moment of him deciding to leave. geez, it was getting much better during the last months. we all know this.
this is not good at all.
i dunno how long i can resist all this pressure.
i so wanted to let him know today... that i didnt forget...
that hes still on my mind once in a while.
im kind of scared of what will happen. what ill do...
i do not trust myself at all.
a hug.
that would do it.
i did love him.
and god knows if i still do not any more.

but he will never learn of this.
is that a mistake?

guilty - i shed a tear.

i dont know... but i guess this must be a sort of very depressing blog.
i always write here when im in a weird frame of mind.
this weekend wasnt bad for any particular reason... but it just seems like nothings okay.

i feel like saying "im okay", "im done with it", "its over" was a bit of prejudication.
the thing is... he really made me feel gloomy.
no idea if it was his intention but since the very moment he wrote me "that stuff" on fb i have been thinking bout him.
not in a way that i didnt choose to do the right thing, dont get me wrong... but i suddenly feel so lonely.

he drove to my house to give me the pants (uh, give is not an appropriate word for what he had done, he only dropped them in front of the door), and i thought it was okay. i kinda dealt with it. but the mistake ive done was to smell the pants.
you know... every single home has a typical scent. and i sooo remember theirs.
btw he didnt take his stuff i put there for him to take away. which, to be honest, didnt surprise me at all...

duh, since then ive been feeling this weird loneliness and emptiness.
i have never been a kind of girl that dates a lot of guys, that makes out with hundreds of them or that easily falls for anyone... it took me nineteen years to have a first relationship. how am i supposed to find someone else?
i dont even want to be looking for someone to take his place (i mean, i would like it to be him but he would need to be a totally different person, which is impossible). i dont even have time to be social anyway...
but i miss the times of cuddling.

geez, this is so complicated.
i cannot get rid of the feeling he made all of this on purpose... to get into my head again... so i wouldnt be that much sure im over with it. am i supposed to be feeling guilty? how was the sentence "hopefully, youll be better and happier like this" meant? was it like: you will never be allright without me?

i realized i miss those times a hell lot. but i know it cannot be "redone", the fixed relationships do not work... we have tried this, and it ended up much worse than the first time. which is a shame. i really would like to make it work again. to have it all back. ive been thinking of all these things weve experienced together. i remember every single moment. even the most trivial. of course im talking just about the good ones, no one wants to remember the bad ones.
and yeah, those were great. i will always miss them.

i would like to be a girl that doesnt date a guy she would like to spend her entire life with. because really, i cannot be with just someone. i need to feel hes the right one.
and i do not want to undergo any searching again... since this "thing" we had toghether didnt work out even tho i was sure it was something special.
now i know how bad it is when a relationship ends. and when youre the one who doesnt want it to be like that. well, this was even worse, cuz actually neither of us wanted it to be done. but he did it anyway.

his grandpa was in lidl yesterday. great. it was so visible he knew whats going on. i felt the urge to explain it all. and that i havent wanted it to end, that it was him who did it... i felt so sad... it all came back very fast.

but dont be foolish, im just having a moment. i can get it under control. and i will.
despite this, i hate myself for being this weak.
i know i made a right choice. i need to be happy with what i have. which is actually nothing right now but who cares.
i know i am better like this. i do not need to be dealing with any kind of troubles. i am the only one i need to care about.
its still tough.
but im strong. i am..

actually

this is the reason why i havent written him in so long.
i was scared of waiting for the reply.
seriously, its a torturing!
ever since i replied, im just hypnotizing his nickname on icq...
get the fuck online and do sth!

fucked up

great, i got a response.
the most terrible one from all the possible messages i could have got.
i am not strong enough.
not for this.
so i wrote everything. all the things that has been gathering in my mind since the first day of the "break-up".
not sure it was the right thing to do. but i couldnt resist.
what for now?
waiting. i need to wait patiently.
which is killing me.
i cannot act like nothings going on.
please, at least... respond asap. i would appreciate it.
dearly.

k, my essays are not going well. i cannot make it by the deadline.
kill me.

the thing is...

i dont know if i can get used to it.
im trying so hard but with no success whatsoever!
its just getting crazy. i am constantly feeling the tension in my body. checking the phone, icq, fb... all the fucking time!! i should get some therapy.
i really want him to write me something. it can be whatever. i just need to talk to him.
all this has been killing me. very very slowly and the pain has finally overwhelmed me. i cannot function anymore.
of course im trying to act like a happy and content person but what is it good for? i mean...
why couldnt i be depressed? why couldnt i be in a desperate state of mind?
great, im a loser.
friday was his birthday. and i knew that even tho we dont talk i i should write him no matter what. i was thinking bout the dilemma the entire day... i finally decided to undertake the responsibility for writing him in the late evening. to be honest, i really wanted him to answer, but hoped he wouldnt do it.
because i was hundred percent sure it would do no good.
and i was right
you know what was his answer? thank you, i think of you more than you can imagine.
i mean, WTF? who does that?
of course this would be a great message if we didnt have this issue we do. im trying so fucking bad to get over it, well not actually over it cuz thats impossible, but at least pull myself together. stop crying, stop thinking bout him every single minute, stop checking if hes online, and of course stop going over every fucking moment we  have spent together.
i miss him so much.
i didnt know what to write back, so i didnt.
and when i came home there was a message on icq waitng for me. and it said: i just had to write it.
what are you supposed to reply?
i havent think of anythin better than: and i just didnt know what to write back.
and ever since... i havent heard from him.
i hate this. really loathe.
its been three weeks and four days. i know this for certain and dont even need a calendar.
isnt it long enough?
how much longer am i supposed to wait?
actually... does he want me to wait for him anymore?
why dont you fucking tell me what i mean to you and if you are planning on having me in your life in the future.
gee. i have touched the bottom. kind of hard.
i am a broken man.
and still want to be with him.
cannot supress the feeling i get everytime i think of him.
please, come to me and give me a hug.
a long comforting hug.
and i will loosen up. no tears, no pain, no despair.
PLEASE.

happy birthday

to you.

have a great one.

great

cried myself to sleep yesterday.
i thought i got rid of this shit
but...
had a terrible night.
got no sleep whatsoever
and now off to work.
cannot deal with this anymore.

she's been missed

its all been missed

down-hearted

yes. again!

today is one of the days when i just sleep, cannot press myself into any action, and hardly resist crying.

i thought this terrible state of mind wouldnt come anytime soon. i was mistaken.

it has been two weeks and three days. but i feel like shit. exactly the same feeling i was overwhelmed by during the first three days...

i cannot pretend im okay when im not....

i had a great weekend, and tried hard to stay positive...

i failed.

i cant even imagine i would go to znojmo as im supposed to. i dont know what to do.

not in a mood to see all the happy people and act in a way that wont annoy them. 

i know im not able to keep the spirit up. 

seems impossible.

btw. i was at my dentist yesterday. i spent there an entire hour :-D 

at least its painless or otherwise i would die. thank god he takes such a good care of me.

even tho it costs me a fortune :-D

i miss him..!

B52 - upright and slantwise

so apparently... it was not a real statement when he said he was gonna get in touch later during the week.
i was foolish.
because i did believe him.
while he was just talking stuff and nonsense.

a great night! it was exactly what i needed!
we started gently at paulitkas. we had a blast: snacks, cheese, vegetable and fruit, and especially the drinks :-D
there was much talking, drinking, smoking and eating... we have not left the apartment until midnight. ive never experienced going to "crown" that late.
we made a stop at sport bar where the guys were waiting for us. eh, we got a glass of water to drink :-D
since they werent even close to being drunk they had some beers... i have no idea at what time we got to the club.
they wanted to see my ID. i love it when i can show im legal.
at first i and paulit couldnt resist checking all the visitors :-D we really didnt see any well-known faces, so what a surprise it was when he appeared... justin!
we havent talked for more than a year. and we saw each other just couple times when he came to lidl.
i thought it wouldnt go well cuz he seemed angry... he caught me totally unprepared but something was telling me to listen to him. so i did. and im glad.
ive never realized how i missed him! and his extra ego as well :-D
then it started. he wouldnt let me go home that night without trying his favourite drink :-D
his explanation of the right way to drink it was hilarious. and the main thing is that it didnt make any sense. but whatever i had to try it.
one word... amazing!!
ive never tasted anything like that.
so we all got pretty drunk. (what? youre sick? hey girl, get her a glass of water. youre not gonna drink anything else. i dont want to kill you. then he realized its a bullshit cuz i had many shots before :-D)
we danced and enjoyed ourselves..
the thing that kinda bothered me was that we came with six guys and it seemed like the only two who had fun was i and paulit. the guys just stood there watchin, kinda pissed that we ditched them and could be perfectly on our own. but it was okay, when we realized we had to make fun of them.
was told my voice was made for telling stories :-D even tho im vulgar as shit.
i love dancing, with paulit its the best. but with justin? gosh, that really made my night. we had so much fun!! i loved it.
we were so sweaty and tired... but couldnt stop :-D
and i was bumping into a very kind girl all the time. not my intention!
we seriously danced all night except the times we went for a shot :-P
and then it was like lets go out for a cigarette... once we opened the door the light hit us. wtf? it was already after 5 am. no idea how it happened :-D
justin was the first one to leave us. and we didnt have better idea than to stay and chat with the security guys :-D such perverts :-D
we even demonstrated our skills by bending backward all the way down. we went crazy. but it was so much fun.
and it was the first (and i think even the last) time i saw the interior of the club lit. ok, i know its nothing to be proud of, but i would never thought we could survive the entire night :-D
the cab story was great as well. the driver goes to lidl, so my first sentence was: hey, i know you, you come to  lidl once in a while. i remember you, cuz you have that thing hanging out of your ear :-D
he was funny and not even pissed or tired of us.
so i came home at 6.15 am. jesus :-D
slept three hours and was drunk all day long :-D but i know much worse days after drinking :-D
im glad i know such people i can have a great time with. youre amazing!
it was relieving to have a fun night out. not to sit at home, stare at a wall, check the icq or fb and cry.

but do not assume i havent thought of him. of course i have. and  the sense of him sleeping in an apartment not even a 5-minute walk away from the club was stabbing me.
i so wanted to write him and let him know im not over it.

i feel lame

im like a puppy waiting for someone to give them food.
not normal.
shit.

i hate people. i swear i do.
people are annoying and stupid and sooo bitchy.
and i hate children as well. told mommy she has to give up her hope for grandchildren :D
gosh, my job is turning me into a spiteful person.

trying to survive

a couple of exhausting days.
had a great time, of course i did.
but im freaking out. cant get rid of the feeling that we wont get over it.
i am scared.
so tough to pretend like he doesnt exist. like i dont know him. like i dont want to be in touch.
like he doesnt mean a world to me.
jesus, cannot you just write me? its been a week since we last talked,
since we saw each other.
it seems like i cannot make it.
such a challenge to resist writing you.

i feel im getting older :P
gettin home after midnigt two days in a row is sick.
the mornings after are not the best ones.
not at all.
but screw it. i cannot just live on.

so glad i got to see el, a sweetheart of mine.
i missed you so much.
and it was kinda relieving to tell you all thats going on.
thx for listening!
hope to see you soon again!

some ordinary wednesday

i fucking miss him!

so much.

i cant even bear it.

not anymore.

i went out and the only thing that happened to change is that i miss him even more than before.

is that normal or have i already gone psychotic?!

i need you.

and even tho youll never read this... i love you... and miss you. every single minute of this fucking life.

gosh, am i really that desperate?

what am i waiting for?

i would give anything for him to write itll be okay.

this is seriously sad.

because i know its so much true... that you never know what youve had until you lose it.

urgh, hate myself for losing the only thing that really made sense to me.

i am a stupid little girl.

and alcohol doesnt help.

not even for a while.

now i need some rest.

i have enough of pretending.

and im still waiting.

day 10

a frustration.
it seems so long. endless at the same time.
will he let me know?
gosh, i thought i was gettin it under control. but today...
it gets tougher and and much tougher every single hour.
please.
do something already!

it was just a horrible day at work yesterday.
as i said.. once i will go crazy, take a gun and shoot everyone there (i know, a bad joke)
i made a co-worker cry.
that was not my intention, not at all, god forbid it was.
i hate the job and also when someone acts like a moron. what does make her think she can talk to me like i was not a human being?
and at the end i am the bad one cuz she was the one who was crying.
jesus. where is the world going? seriously.

phase 2.
eating anything that gets into my sight.
having no idea how to occupy my mind.
so i eat.
:)

oh c'mon

not again! like.. i mean... seriously?!!
is this some kind of a joke?
two days in a row? he must be kidding. hasnt showed up in weeks, he really doesnt come that often anymore... and once he comes he almost never goes to my cash desk. for gods sake!
i could be an actress. i guess.

day 2. gettin worse, but i must handle it. didnt even go online today, would be too much pressure. kinda proud of myself even tho it seems vicious.

k. parents werent home 2day, so i grabbed a beer, sat outside and lit a cigarette, what a great feeling. i didnt need to struggle with pretending im okay, a relief.
need to survive one more day. need to keep it together, and ill be fine.

the old dude at work? that was just so rude. i would kick his balls if it werent for my job. s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y! day after day... i realize more and more... how psychotic the job makes me.

this is it

the first day i resist writing.

day seven

drzim se...
musim.
nejdriv v praci,
a pak doma.
nevim,
co z toho me dneska vic vycerpalo.
ale oboji dalo pekne zabrat.
nejhorsi bylo, ze zrovna dneska
u me musel nakupovat jeho deda.
boze.
takove stesti.

zatim neslzim...
ale nepochybuju o tom, ze se to brzo po.de.la.
vlastne to vim.
nebudu s tim bojovat.

a zitra znovu.

done for now

tak to prislo...
a bylo to jeste horsi, nez jsem si dokazala predstavit.
celou dobu jsem se snazila drzet.
a kdyz rekl, ze uz musi a ja se obratila zady a sla...
tak to prislo naplno.
a v tu chvili
jakoby mnou projelo tisic nejostrejsich nozu.
treba to nebylo naposled.
treba.
tak jsem stezi sla a brecela.
az jsem dosla k autu.
a ono to neprestavalo.
tak jsem jen sedela a sedela..
a nevnimala nic kolem,
jen tu silenou uzkost.
ta me uz tyden kousek po kousku zabiji.
pohrava si se mnou.
rana jdou ztezka,
vzdyt neni pro co vstavat.
behem dne se to zlepsi,
vzdyt je tak krasne,
nemuzu jen bezmocne lezet.
tak se snazim,
ale pretvarovani mi uz nejde.
odpoledne melu z posledniho
a vecery?
ty jsou nejhorsi.
kdyz padne tma, tak si rikam,
jestli je vubec mozne se z tohohle dostat.
a tak jen lezim a brecim.
a kolem me ticho a tma.
snazim se,
ne ze ne.
jenze to nejde.
az samou unavou nakonec usnu.
jenze ten spanek, ktery bych potrebovala,
porad neprichazi.
ten kdy s ulevou spite celou noc,
nebudite se hruzou, neusinate opet se slzami v ocich,
a vite, ze bude dobre.
jen prezit do rana,
pak bude treba lip.
a je tu rano a ono lip neni.
je mi porad stejne hrozne.
jen ta bolest uz neni tak svirava,
spis me otupuje.
a tak cely den prezivam s myslenkou,
ze vecer se ta svine zase vrati.
a bude do me bodat ty tisice ostrych nozu.
to vedomi, ze nemuzu nic delat a nic ovlivnit,
jen cekat,
je zvlastni.
zvlastni ve spatnem smyslu slova.
pry to tak musi byt.
a tak premyslim.
neziju.
jen prezivam.

peklo

tohle pretvarovani, o ktere se zrovna snazim, me jednou zabije. je to mozna jeste horsi nez jen bezmocne lezet a brecet...
jenze.

dneska prisel otec dopoledne domu a kdyz me videl v obyvaku u televize, kde jsem bezmyslenkovite prepinala programy, zajasal: hura, ty jeste zijes? uz jsem myslel, ze ani ne, tri dny jsem te nevidel. to musi byt depka jako blazen.

mel pravdu, tri dny jsem z velke casti prospala, jen abych nemusela byt vzhuru a fungovat. jist stejne nejim, a kdyz uz se donutim, tak se mi ve vetsine pripadu stejne nepodari v sobe cokoliv udrzet. a nic jineho na praci nemam. stejne se nemuzu k nicemu donutit.
vcera jsem prisla na to, ze meloun by docela sel, tak jsem s nim zaplacla zaludek.

pred chvili prisla mamka a jeji prvni otazka byla: uz jsi normalni, nebo porad nemam mluvit?
a tak jsem se rozhodla pretvarovat. nic jineho mi v tuhle chvili stejne nezbyva.
otec me premluvil, abych upekla kolace, ze pry to pomaha. o tom sice nejsem presvedcena, ale aspon jsem zamestnala ruce, hlavu jenom trochu. zrovna jsou v troube..
je mi zle... ze me samotne a z toho, co jsem vubec dopustila.

a to jsem si rikala, ze kdyz to prijde, tak to zvladnu. protoze jsem videla jenom ty veci, co mi vadi, a co jsou spatne. vzdyt jsem se dozvedela takove silenosti...
bylo to jako by do me nekdo bodal nozem, kdyz jsem cetla vsechno to, co si o mne mysli. kde jsem to vubec zila? v jinem svete? nikdy by me nenapadlo, ze se mnou ma takovy problem. a prave proto, ze jsem vedela, ze nic z toho, co o mne rika, neni pravda, jsem si myslela, ze to zvladnu. ze jsem vlastne byla obvinena z veci, ktere jsem nikdy nedelala a ani bych nikdy neudelala!
a ja to nezvladam.

znate to, jak se rika, ze si nikdy neuvedomujete, co mate, dokud o to neprijdete..? no jo, je to svata pravda.
nevim, jestli ma smysl nad tim porad premyslet, protoze v tuhle chvili stejne nic neovlivnim, i kdyz bych chtela zmenit tolik veci. tolik... a uz je pozde.

co se v takovych chvilich dela? chtela jsem jit pit, to se prece dela vzdycky.. jenze se nemuzu donutit, abych sla mezi lidi... abych to nekomu vypravela. a samotne se mi pit nechce. na to asi nemam.
proc jsme spolu nemluvili driv? dokud byla sance neco zmenit?

tohle cekani je to nejhorsi co muze byt. chtela bych to vyresit ted hned... jenze na to jsou potreba dva. a ja toho druheho do paru nemam.
moji smulou je i to, ze si neumim predstavit konec, nechci to tak. ja to proste sama neumim. i kdyz to nebylo idealni, ja vim... ale proste, mit nekoho, o kom vite, ze tam vzdycky je... priceless. a jeste po takove dobe? boze, vzdyt to nejde.

ten samy scenar. jen o rok pozdeji a v opacnych rolich.
tohle me asi dost zmeni, protoze nic uz nebude jako driv. to by prece ani neslo.

dava tohle vubec smysl? nemyslim si.
nic z toho nedava smysl a presto to tak je.
kde se stala chyba?
chtela bych jit spat, probudit se a zjistit, ze se neco pohnulo. ze je aspon neco jinak.
ale to se asi dlouho nestane.
tak jdu trpet dal. s pretvarkou.
choulit se neschopna premoct tu neuveritelnou bolest, ktera se slovy ani neda popsat.

why is this happening?

if i keep on writing comments every single time i have a break down, there will be soon plenty of them.
but i just feel so awful.
the feeling inside of me is killing every little part of my soul.
every tear is burning more than the one before.
the panic attacks come on daily bases.
and i cant fight them anymore.
no more strength.

it just feels like dying.

confusion

hey, guess what's funny!
i wanted to write a bit and it was supposed to be a happy one. and... if i have written it, i swear, it would have been happy.
but a couple hours passed and im exactly where i was before.
thank you!

i have just no freaking idea whats going on.
not interested in me anymore? then tell me!
what the fuck are you waiting for?
i have already been so tired from all this pointless trying!
i cant believe i can handle this anymore.
the question is: for how much longer...

i would slap myself in the face!
for what i do, what i have done or what i will do.
this is so stupid.

as one said: perfection is not only about control. its also about letting go.
should i let go? should i?
i would. but im not able to.
im puttin so much in this. and there is nothing coming back.
WHY?

everything i do or say is wrong...
always
every single day
every single action
every single word

i am desperate!
breaking down again...
why not, its a new way of life.
a very weird one but to someone? not at all...

this just completely screwed up.
completely
piece after piece
one by one

oh yeah, AGAIN!

am i really that stupid?!
everything is wrong.
all the time.
i dont get it.

not again please!

the thought of everything being great could have lasted longer.... SHIT!
seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON?
and that little drug addict bitch? rather no comment on that.
geez, sad stuff.

need to tell someone

SHIT!!

i feel lonely.

[ending very short sentences with periods.]

(a hint)

cannot believe it... *tear*

ho - ho - ho [i dont want to be alone]

fuck!:-D
cant sleep lately. so i went to bed at almost 4 am yesterday (today:-D)... tired as hell.
all day gone, and now at home.
depression!
go to hell, biaaatch!
probably need to get our of here. like really really out of here. im going crazy!
and by the end of the month ill have been a freak.
yeah.
gimme break, you stupid thoughts.

a fish out of water

feel kinda redundant. which actually doesnt make any sense.
but i cant help it.
i always wanted to have a little bit of air to breathe. just not saying every stupid thing and explaining what ive done and who i have talked to...
i have plenty of this now. or it seems like i do.
the feeling of being useless is killing me. it really is.
i am getting lost in this, more and more, every single day.
i would love to have a normal relationship. argh.
i want to know those little unnecessary things that make his life complete. or.. at least something, the basic stuff?
when it comes to being replaced by everyone else, its just a desperate situation. and no clue how to get out of it.
i want to be important again.
not to sit at home and wait until he spends all his time with everyone else but me. and if hes not tired much or its not too late then he lets me know. and i can come at last.
and why does he forget all the things i tell him? why he doesnt want to be with me? talk to me?
i actually feel ignored from time to time. when everything is more important and i am the last one to think about.
all these little hints like nameday, christmas, not saying everything, not talking at all, being involved in too many things, not caring...
and then whatever i say... its wrong. totally.
i thought i would be happy and i actually still do... but seeing how careless he is... makes me so desperate.
i just break down every fucking evening.. cant help it. even tho the day can go smoothly, the evening is all the same every single day.
do i really expect that much?
and when i was told that it probably is supposed to be like that now, i felt like an idiot.
[do you wanna be with me any longer?]
i dont have any strength to fight this. im so helpless.
not getting any feedback from his is so tough. how am i supposed to know he likes me? or wants to be with me?
is there anyone else? anyone who he talks to more than to me? whom he likes more? who he wants to be with?
aaah, crazy shit running through my head.
losing control.