"cocain"

im sitting in our kitchen, trying to write a research paper which is due to wednesday.
besides im watching tv, cuz i hate the silence which is disturbed only by the sound of me writing.
i was switching the programs and all of sudden there it was.
blow.
the movie. on nova cinema.
its the movie he loved. loved from the beginning to the very end.
and he was the one who told me about it.
and he was the one i watched it with.
the first time.
and now... there it was on tv.
how am i supposed to write something readable that will get me credits after this?
to be honest, im in this kind of a wierd mood all day long. i have been thinking of him, not gonna lie.
and than i sit in front of the tv and this comes out?
is that like an omen?
uh, this is fucking tough.
i would love to have him back. i know its crazy... after all that has happened.
but seriously...
i act like im over it.
i feel like im over it... or at least im convincing myself about it...
but in the end, it always turns out not to be true.
i am not over it at all.
or not at this particular moment. not at any moment when i feel stressed, down, alone or unhappy from head to toe.
i feel like i need him.
we had no chance to say a proper farewell.
i know it had lots of issues. but i think it over and over and cannot see the exact moment of him deciding to leave. geez, it was getting much better during the last months. we all know this.
this is not good at all.
i dunno how long i can resist all this pressure.
i so wanted to let him know today... that i didnt forget...
that hes still on my mind once in a while.
im kind of scared of what will happen. what ill do...
i do not trust myself at all.
a hug.
that would do it.
i did love him.
and god knows if i still do not any more.

but he will never learn of this.
is that a mistake?