why is this happening?

if i keep on writing comments every single time i have a break down, there will be soon plenty of them.
but i just feel so awful.
the feeling inside of me is killing every little part of my soul.
every tear is burning more than the one before.
the panic attacks come on daily bases.
and i cant fight them anymore.
no more strength.

it just feels like dying.

confusion

hey, guess what's funny!
i wanted to write a bit and it was supposed to be a happy one. and... if i have written it, i swear, it would have been happy.
but a couple hours passed and im exactly where i was before.
thank you!

i have just no freaking idea whats going on.
not interested in me anymore? then tell me!
what the fuck are you waiting for?
i have already been so tired from all this pointless trying!
i cant believe i can handle this anymore.
the question is: for how much longer...

i would slap myself in the face!
for what i do, what i have done or what i will do.
this is so stupid.

as one said: perfection is not only about control. its also about letting go.
should i let go? should i?
i would. but im not able to.
im puttin so much in this. and there is nothing coming back.
WHY?

everything i do or say is wrong...
always
every single day
every single action
every single word

i am desperate!
breaking down again...
why not, its a new way of life.
a very weird one but to someone? not at all...

this just completely screwed up.
completely
piece after piece
one by one

oh yeah, AGAIN!

am i really that stupid?!
everything is wrong.
all the time.
i dont get it.

not again please!

the thought of everything being great could have lasted longer.... SHIT!
seriously, WHAT IS GOING ON?
and that little drug addict bitch? rather no comment on that.
geez, sad stuff.

need to tell someone

SHIT!!

i feel lonely.

[ending very short sentences with periods.]

(a hint)

cannot believe it... *tear*

ho - ho - ho [i dont want to be alone]

fuck!:-D
cant sleep lately. so i went to bed at almost 4 am yesterday (today:-D)... tired as hell.
all day gone, and now at home.
depression!
go to hell, biaaatch!
probably need to get our of here. like really really out of here. im going crazy!
and by the end of the month ill have been a freak.
yeah.
gimme break, you stupid thoughts.

a fish out of water

feel kinda redundant. which actually doesnt make any sense.
but i cant help it.
i always wanted to have a little bit of air to breathe. just not saying every stupid thing and explaining what ive done and who i have talked to...
i have plenty of this now. or it seems like i do.
the feeling of being useless is killing me. it really is.
i am getting lost in this, more and more, every single day.
i would love to have a normal relationship. argh.
i want to know those little unnecessary things that make his life complete. or.. at least something, the basic stuff?
when it comes to being replaced by everyone else, its just a desperate situation. and no clue how to get out of it.
i want to be important again.
not to sit at home and wait until he spends all his time with everyone else but me. and if hes not tired much or its not too late then he lets me know. and i can come at last.
and why does he forget all the things i tell him? why he doesnt want to be with me? talk to me?
i actually feel ignored from time to time. when everything is more important and i am the last one to think about.
all these little hints like nameday, christmas, not saying everything, not talking at all, being involved in too many things, not caring...
and then whatever i say... its wrong. totally.
i thought i would be happy and i actually still do... but seeing how careless he is... makes me so desperate.
i just break down every fucking evening.. cant help it. even tho the day can go smoothly, the evening is all the same every single day.
do i really expect that much?
and when i was told that it probably is supposed to be like that now, i felt like an idiot.
[do you wanna be with me any longer?]
i dont have any strength to fight this. im so helpless.
not getting any feedback from his is so tough. how am i supposed to know he likes me? or wants to be with me?
is there anyone else? anyone who he talks to more than to me? whom he likes more? who he wants to be with?
aaah, crazy shit running through my head.
losing control.