actually

this is the reason why i havent written him in so long.
i was scared of waiting for the reply.
seriously, its a torturing!
ever since i replied, im just hypnotizing his nickname on icq...
get the fuck online and do sth!

fucked up

great, i got a response.
the most terrible one from all the possible messages i could have got.
i am not strong enough.
not for this.
so i wrote everything. all the things that has been gathering in my mind since the first day of the "break-up".
not sure it was the right thing to do. but i couldnt resist.
what for now?
waiting. i need to wait patiently.
which is killing me.
i cannot act like nothings going on.
please, at least... respond asap. i would appreciate it.
dearly.

k, my essays are not going well. i cannot make it by the deadline.
kill me.

the thing is...

i dont know if i can get used to it.
im trying so hard but with no success whatsoever!
its just getting crazy. i am constantly feeling the tension in my body. checking the phone, icq, fb... all the fucking time!! i should get some therapy.
i really want him to write me something. it can be whatever. i just need to talk to him.
all this has been killing me. very very slowly and the pain has finally overwhelmed me. i cannot function anymore.
of course im trying to act like a happy and content person but what is it good for? i mean...
why couldnt i be depressed? why couldnt i be in a desperate state of mind?
great, im a loser.
friday was his birthday. and i knew that even tho we dont talk i i should write him no matter what. i was thinking bout the dilemma the entire day... i finally decided to undertake the responsibility for writing him in the late evening. to be honest, i really wanted him to answer, but hoped he wouldnt do it.
because i was hundred percent sure it would do no good.
and i was right
you know what was his answer? thank you, i think of you more than you can imagine.
i mean, WTF? who does that?
of course this would be a great message if we didnt have this issue we do. im trying so fucking bad to get over it, well not actually over it cuz thats impossible, but at least pull myself together. stop crying, stop thinking bout him every single minute, stop checking if hes online, and of course stop going over every fucking moment we  have spent together.
i miss him so much.
i didnt know what to write back, so i didnt.
and when i came home there was a message on icq waitng for me. and it said: i just had to write it.
what are you supposed to reply?
i havent think of anythin better than: and i just didnt know what to write back.
and ever since... i havent heard from him.
i hate this. really loathe.
its been three weeks and four days. i know this for certain and dont even need a calendar.
isnt it long enough?
how much longer am i supposed to wait?
actually... does he want me to wait for him anymore?
why dont you fucking tell me what i mean to you and if you are planning on having me in your life in the future.
gee. i have touched the bottom. kind of hard.
i am a broken man.
and still want to be with him.
cannot supress the feeling i get everytime i think of him.
please, come to me and give me a hug.
a long comforting hug.
and i will loosen up. no tears, no pain, no despair.
PLEASE.

happy birthday

to you.

have a great one.

great

cried myself to sleep yesterday.
i thought i got rid of this shit
but...
had a terrible night.
got no sleep whatsoever
and now off to work.
cannot deal with this anymore.

she's been missed

its all been missed

down-hearted

yes. again!

today is one of the days when i just sleep, cannot press myself into any action, and hardly resist crying.

i thought this terrible state of mind wouldnt come anytime soon. i was mistaken.

it has been two weeks and three days. but i feel like shit. exactly the same feeling i was overwhelmed by during the first three days...

i cannot pretend im okay when im not....

i had a great weekend, and tried hard to stay positive...

i failed.

i cant even imagine i would go to znojmo as im supposed to. i dont know what to do.

not in a mood to see all the happy people and act in a way that wont annoy them. 

i know im not able to keep the spirit up. 

seems impossible.

btw. i was at my dentist yesterday. i spent there an entire hour :-D 

at least its painless or otherwise i would die. thank god he takes such a good care of me.

even tho it costs me a fortune :-D

i miss him..!

B52 - upright and slantwise

so apparently... it was not a real statement when he said he was gonna get in touch later during the week.
i was foolish.
because i did believe him.
while he was just talking stuff and nonsense.

a great night! it was exactly what i needed!
we started gently at paulitkas. we had a blast: snacks, cheese, vegetable and fruit, and especially the drinks :-D
there was much talking, drinking, smoking and eating... we have not left the apartment until midnight. ive never experienced going to "crown" that late.
we made a stop at sport bar where the guys were waiting for us. eh, we got a glass of water to drink :-D
since they werent even close to being drunk they had some beers... i have no idea at what time we got to the club.
they wanted to see my ID. i love it when i can show im legal.
at first i and paulit couldnt resist checking all the visitors :-D we really didnt see any well-known faces, so what a surprise it was when he appeared... justin!
we havent talked for more than a year. and we saw each other just couple times when he came to lidl.
i thought it wouldnt go well cuz he seemed angry... he caught me totally unprepared but something was telling me to listen to him. so i did. and im glad.
ive never realized how i missed him! and his extra ego as well :-D
then it started. he wouldnt let me go home that night without trying his favourite drink :-D
his explanation of the right way to drink it was hilarious. and the main thing is that it didnt make any sense. but whatever i had to try it.
one word... amazing!!
ive never tasted anything like that.
so we all got pretty drunk. (what? youre sick? hey girl, get her a glass of water. youre not gonna drink anything else. i dont want to kill you. then he realized its a bullshit cuz i had many shots before :-D)
we danced and enjoyed ourselves..
the thing that kinda bothered me was that we came with six guys and it seemed like the only two who had fun was i and paulit. the guys just stood there watchin, kinda pissed that we ditched them and could be perfectly on our own. but it was okay, when we realized we had to make fun of them.
was told my voice was made for telling stories :-D even tho im vulgar as shit.
i love dancing, with paulit its the best. but with justin? gosh, that really made my night. we had so much fun!! i loved it.
we were so sweaty and tired... but couldnt stop :-D
and i was bumping into a very kind girl all the time. not my intention!
we seriously danced all night except the times we went for a shot :-P
and then it was like lets go out for a cigarette... once we opened the door the light hit us. wtf? it was already after 5 am. no idea how it happened :-D
justin was the first one to leave us. and we didnt have better idea than to stay and chat with the security guys :-D such perverts :-D
we even demonstrated our skills by bending backward all the way down. we went crazy. but it was so much fun.
and it was the first (and i think even the last) time i saw the interior of the club lit. ok, i know its nothing to be proud of, but i would never thought we could survive the entire night :-D
the cab story was great as well. the driver goes to lidl, so my first sentence was: hey, i know you, you come to  lidl once in a while. i remember you, cuz you have that thing hanging out of your ear :-D
he was funny and not even pissed or tired of us.
so i came home at 6.15 am. jesus :-D
slept three hours and was drunk all day long :-D but i know much worse days after drinking :-D
im glad i know such people i can have a great time with. youre amazing!
it was relieving to have a fun night out. not to sit at home, stare at a wall, check the icq or fb and cry.

but do not assume i havent thought of him. of course i have. and  the sense of him sleeping in an apartment not even a 5-minute walk away from the club was stabbing me.
i so wanted to write him and let him know im not over it.

i feel lame

im like a puppy waiting for someone to give them food.
not normal.
shit.

i hate people. i swear i do.
people are annoying and stupid and sooo bitchy.
and i hate children as well. told mommy she has to give up her hope for grandchildren :D
gosh, my job is turning me into a spiteful person.

trying to survive

a couple of exhausting days.
had a great time, of course i did.
but im freaking out. cant get rid of the feeling that we wont get over it.
i am scared.
so tough to pretend like he doesnt exist. like i dont know him. like i dont want to be in touch.
like he doesnt mean a world to me.
jesus, cannot you just write me? its been a week since we last talked,
since we saw each other.
it seems like i cannot make it.
such a challenge to resist writing you.

i feel im getting older :P
gettin home after midnigt two days in a row is sick.
the mornings after are not the best ones.
not at all.
but screw it. i cannot just live on.

so glad i got to see el, a sweetheart of mine.
i missed you so much.
and it was kinda relieving to tell you all thats going on.
thx for listening!
hope to see you soon again!

some ordinary wednesday

i fucking miss him!

so much.

i cant even bear it.

not anymore.

i went out and the only thing that happened to change is that i miss him even more than before.

is that normal or have i already gone psychotic?!

i need you.

and even tho youll never read this... i love you... and miss you. every single minute of this fucking life.

gosh, am i really that desperate?

what am i waiting for?

i would give anything for him to write itll be okay.

this is seriously sad.

because i know its so much true... that you never know what youve had until you lose it.

urgh, hate myself for losing the only thing that really made sense to me.

i am a stupid little girl.

and alcohol doesnt help.

not even for a while.

now i need some rest.

i have enough of pretending.

and im still waiting.

day 10

a frustration.
it seems so long. endless at the same time.
will he let me know?
gosh, i thought i was gettin it under control. but today...
it gets tougher and and much tougher every single hour.
please.
do something already!

it was just a horrible day at work yesterday.
as i said.. once i will go crazy, take a gun and shoot everyone there (i know, a bad joke)
i made a co-worker cry.
that was not my intention, not at all, god forbid it was.
i hate the job and also when someone acts like a moron. what does make her think she can talk to me like i was not a human being?
and at the end i am the bad one cuz she was the one who was crying.
jesus. where is the world going? seriously.

phase 2.
eating anything that gets into my sight.
having no idea how to occupy my mind.
so i eat.
:)

oh c'mon

not again! like.. i mean... seriously?!!
is this some kind of a joke?
two days in a row? he must be kidding. hasnt showed up in weeks, he really doesnt come that often anymore... and once he comes he almost never goes to my cash desk. for gods sake!
i could be an actress. i guess.

day 2. gettin worse, but i must handle it. didnt even go online today, would be too much pressure. kinda proud of myself even tho it seems vicious.

k. parents werent home 2day, so i grabbed a beer, sat outside and lit a cigarette, what a great feeling. i didnt need to struggle with pretending im okay, a relief.
need to survive one more day. need to keep it together, and ill be fine.

the old dude at work? that was just so rude. i would kick his balls if it werent for my job. s.e.r.i.o.u.s.l.y! day after day... i realize more and more... how psychotic the job makes me.

this is it

the first day i resist writing.

day seven

drzim se...
musim.
nejdriv v praci,
a pak doma.
nevim,
co z toho me dneska vic vycerpalo.
ale oboji dalo pekne zabrat.
nejhorsi bylo, ze zrovna dneska
u me musel nakupovat jeho deda.
boze.
takove stesti.

zatim neslzim...
ale nepochybuju o tom, ze se to brzo po.de.la.
vlastne to vim.
nebudu s tim bojovat.

a zitra znovu.

done for now

tak to prislo...
a bylo to jeste horsi, nez jsem si dokazala predstavit.
celou dobu jsem se snazila drzet.
a kdyz rekl, ze uz musi a ja se obratila zady a sla...
tak to prislo naplno.
a v tu chvili
jakoby mnou projelo tisic nejostrejsich nozu.
treba to nebylo naposled.
treba.
tak jsem stezi sla a brecela.
az jsem dosla k autu.
a ono to neprestavalo.
tak jsem jen sedela a sedela..
a nevnimala nic kolem,
jen tu silenou uzkost.
ta me uz tyden kousek po kousku zabiji.
pohrava si se mnou.
rana jdou ztezka,
vzdyt neni pro co vstavat.
behem dne se to zlepsi,
vzdyt je tak krasne,
nemuzu jen bezmocne lezet.
tak se snazim,
ale pretvarovani mi uz nejde.
odpoledne melu z posledniho
a vecery?
ty jsou nejhorsi.
kdyz padne tma, tak si rikam,
jestli je vubec mozne se z tohohle dostat.
a tak jen lezim a brecim.
a kolem me ticho a tma.
snazim se,
ne ze ne.
jenze to nejde.
az samou unavou nakonec usnu.
jenze ten spanek, ktery bych potrebovala,
porad neprichazi.
ten kdy s ulevou spite celou noc,
nebudite se hruzou, neusinate opet se slzami v ocich,
a vite, ze bude dobre.
jen prezit do rana,
pak bude treba lip.
a je tu rano a ono lip neni.
je mi porad stejne hrozne.
jen ta bolest uz neni tak svirava,
spis me otupuje.
a tak cely den prezivam s myslenkou,
ze vecer se ta svine zase vrati.
a bude do me bodat ty tisice ostrych nozu.
to vedomi, ze nemuzu nic delat a nic ovlivnit,
jen cekat,
je zvlastni.
zvlastni ve spatnem smyslu slova.
pry to tak musi byt.
a tak premyslim.
neziju.
jen prezivam.

peklo

tohle pretvarovani, o ktere se zrovna snazim, me jednou zabije. je to mozna jeste horsi nez jen bezmocne lezet a brecet...
jenze.

dneska prisel otec dopoledne domu a kdyz me videl v obyvaku u televize, kde jsem bezmyslenkovite prepinala programy, zajasal: hura, ty jeste zijes? uz jsem myslel, ze ani ne, tri dny jsem te nevidel. to musi byt depka jako blazen.

mel pravdu, tri dny jsem z velke casti prospala, jen abych nemusela byt vzhuru a fungovat. jist stejne nejim, a kdyz uz se donutim, tak se mi ve vetsine pripadu stejne nepodari v sobe cokoliv udrzet. a nic jineho na praci nemam. stejne se nemuzu k nicemu donutit.
vcera jsem prisla na to, ze meloun by docela sel, tak jsem s nim zaplacla zaludek.

pred chvili prisla mamka a jeji prvni otazka byla: uz jsi normalni, nebo porad nemam mluvit?
a tak jsem se rozhodla pretvarovat. nic jineho mi v tuhle chvili stejne nezbyva.
otec me premluvil, abych upekla kolace, ze pry to pomaha. o tom sice nejsem presvedcena, ale aspon jsem zamestnala ruce, hlavu jenom trochu. zrovna jsou v troube..
je mi zle... ze me samotne a z toho, co jsem vubec dopustila.

a to jsem si rikala, ze kdyz to prijde, tak to zvladnu. protoze jsem videla jenom ty veci, co mi vadi, a co jsou spatne. vzdyt jsem se dozvedela takove silenosti...
bylo to jako by do me nekdo bodal nozem, kdyz jsem cetla vsechno to, co si o mne mysli. kde jsem to vubec zila? v jinem svete? nikdy by me nenapadlo, ze se mnou ma takovy problem. a prave proto, ze jsem vedela, ze nic z toho, co o mne rika, neni pravda, jsem si myslela, ze to zvladnu. ze jsem vlastne byla obvinena z veci, ktere jsem nikdy nedelala a ani bych nikdy neudelala!
a ja to nezvladam.

znate to, jak se rika, ze si nikdy neuvedomujete, co mate, dokud o to neprijdete..? no jo, je to svata pravda.
nevim, jestli ma smysl nad tim porad premyslet, protoze v tuhle chvili stejne nic neovlivnim, i kdyz bych chtela zmenit tolik veci. tolik... a uz je pozde.

co se v takovych chvilich dela? chtela jsem jit pit, to se prece dela vzdycky.. jenze se nemuzu donutit, abych sla mezi lidi... abych to nekomu vypravela. a samotne se mi pit nechce. na to asi nemam.
proc jsme spolu nemluvili driv? dokud byla sance neco zmenit?

tohle cekani je to nejhorsi co muze byt. chtela bych to vyresit ted hned... jenze na to jsou potreba dva. a ja toho druheho do paru nemam.
moji smulou je i to, ze si neumim predstavit konec, nechci to tak. ja to proste sama neumim. i kdyz to nebylo idealni, ja vim... ale proste, mit nekoho, o kom vite, ze tam vzdycky je... priceless. a jeste po takove dobe? boze, vzdyt to nejde.

ten samy scenar. jen o rok pozdeji a v opacnych rolich.
tohle me asi dost zmeni, protoze nic uz nebude jako driv. to by prece ani neslo.

dava tohle vubec smysl? nemyslim si.
nic z toho nedava smysl a presto to tak je.
kde se stala chyba?
chtela bych jit spat, probudit se a zjistit, ze se neco pohnulo. ze je aspon neco jinak.
ale to se asi dlouho nestane.
tak jdu trpet dal. s pretvarkou.
choulit se neschopna premoct tu neuveritelnou bolest, ktera se slovy ani neda popsat.