an effort

3 days - no sleep whatsoever!
just quirk and xaira.
but now.
i will rock it..
thx michelle. i accept the credits with a great relief.

exhausted.

confused. and waiting... please, explain.
i am so damn scared.
i cannot expect much. or ill get hurt. (is it even possible to hurt me any more?)
my hearts already expecting.
my head tries to refuse.

pointless.
i still feel it.

sleep. right. now.
night.

its been a week

only a week.
but it seems to me like at least a whole month had passed.
hard to believe.
i feel so numb.
no feelings anymore.
and there is no way i could ever believe any of them again.
screw you all.

the thing is... i would still do anything to be with him.
and to make it right.
am i stupid?
i prolly am, but whenever the head tells me to forget, my heart refuses to take it.
how am i supposed to deal with it?

if it was a summer i would look great in bikini :-D

there is just one person that helps me get through this right now.
my babe paulit.
i would actually hung on a tree branch long ago without her.
(no, not really, but i was not far from that)
she is seriously saving me.
the all day trip to ostrava? she even made me eat after 5 days...
we had so much fun.
the most hilarious event was when her gps navigation told me i went over the speed limit :-D who knew that such things do that?
we even made some great deals.
and friday party? jesus, i was a drunk.
like a real one.
but again. she makes me stop thinking.
i dont have to feel worried it will take over me when with her.
how grateful i am!!
she makes me forget.
mm, i shouldnt use the word forget, cuz thats just impossible... but she helps me to bear with it.
try to get over the pain and look forward.
not back.
try to live on.
without him.
and she understands.

i had a JCC1 exam on wednesday. and i passed!
still cannot believe, cuz i havent studied a minute... there was no mood for that.
but i got C, which means 2, if you get it :-D
that was a satisfaction.

i miss you.
so freaking much.

the dreams i have about you and your fam are so live.
i am scared.

today he made it clear

i feel like a whore... that was not good enough for him.
he did sleep with me and then ditched me.
why would he ever make me believe i was wanted..
how could he..
why would he do that to me?
he knew it would destroy me if he refused me again...
i cannot believe he didnt hesitate.
he killed me.
he said go. and dont bother me ever again.
you have to move on. on your own. i cannot help you.
i dont want you anymore.

he also said we would work on it. but after he woke up he had a different opinion.
he didnt want to work on anything.
not with me.

i do not understand.
why did he say all those things before...
and then acted like that?

why did he write me again if he didnt want us to fix it?
to humiliate me?
to break me into pieces?
to make fun of me?
is that what he wanted?

if he loved me, he would never leave me.
he would do anything.
he would fight till the end.

but he did not.
and i cannot get over it.
i cannot stop loving him.

and i miss lara so much. i saw her after how many.. six months? nothings changed.
she stayed as beautiful as ive known her.

i hate myself for being stupid... so naive...
for trusting him.

f*ck

i need someone
who i could tell
i dont know how to get through this

how can you forget someone you love
please, tell me
it hurts so much

cannot let go

only what we give up on is lost.

how much true is that!?

desolation

how long can one go without food?
a week? two weeks? a month?
we shall see.
very soon.
i am dying.

i seriously cannot go on. this was the worst thing that could have happened.
why..
that is whats rushing through my head all the time.
why would he..
i cannot get rid of it.
and the pain is unbearable.
its not just mental.
its physical. it is.
like thousands of knives stabbing me. every second.

please.
dont do this to me.
dont.

why would i be so stupid to think he would come back?
it coud be us again.
it could.
but i am not wanted at all.
and its killing me.

after what happened...
i so wanted it.
and when it happened i thought we would make it.
that he wants to.

i love him too much.
and he thinks its too late.
i thought it never was.
never will be.

for me.
not for him.

i do not believe.

very needed

The magic button — Make Everything OK