i have tried

there is nothing more to say.

I am exactly were I was 4 months ago.

broken.

not able to function.

not able to live on.

this is like a bad dream coming true.

how can I get through it again?

I cannot...

about two months ago I said...

"either im over it, or it will come back to me and ill be broken again."

i never knew how true the second option was.

the thing is i didnt understand.

i didnt knew until now.

therefore its so much worse now.

would you ever give upon someone you knew you loved and they loved you back?

would you be able to do it?

who would?

how is it possible that he is capable of such an action?

all this doesnt respond to what he said before.

he talks in one way but acts in one that is totally opposite. how dare he?

i thought it would be different this time.

that he would fight.

fight til the end.

and the end would be something weve always dreamt of, planned, talked about...

geez, i know it wouldnt be easy.

but nothing is.

and the tough things pay back.

it works only this way.

we need to deserve it. but he backs off before even trying.

this is all wrong.

and i cant handle it.

on top of that, the winter semestrs over.

and i have so much time.

however i dont know how to use it.

so i just lay down all day.

every fucking day.

the problem is...

i could go on even tho my strength is less than little.

but i dont want to.

and i cannot force my body into something my head disapproves of.

its not normal, i know.

i might be in a serious need of some help.

i mean, professional?

i seriously havent done anything productive since i came home.

this makes me kind of worried.

i am not in a position that allows a procrastination.

[great, i just remembered probably the last time he told me he loved me.

i was watching lara and he went to mh. he didnt even wanna go.

but i told him he should, that he should have fun.

he came home kind of drunk.

honestly, it was funny and sweet.

and then he told me how much he loved me, how i was the most important thing in his life.

how he never wanted to lose me...]

this i will never forget.

and many others. of course...

three years of our lives..

i cannot stop the tears.

i lost the faith.

now i know why ive never had a guy before him.

i never used to trust them.

didnt want to get my heart broken.

but then he showed up and i couldnt resist.

and now? everything i believed in was crushed.

i was stupid to trust.

i should have kept the distance.

but ive never been a girl that dates one guy after another.

that doesnt care.

and thats the point.

then why doesnt he believe in me.. us?

gosh, i should stop writing stuff like this in here.

this is so depressive.

but i need to get it out.

and this is the only way i can think of.

at first i was trying to tell him... but he doesnt react anymore.

he said he cant do anything about it.

wtf?

how can he say that?

i tried everything.

i wanted to fix it.

i still want to.

but i feel im losing him.

im about to give up.

i love you.

and do not want to pretend i do not...

ive done enough of that.

                                                                                             

i cannot even sleep.

and that is scary. i havent slept in a normal way for weeks...

my head is aching. 

ive finally seen harry potter and the deathly hallows. 

a four hour movie? okay.

i loved it. even tho i watched it like the whole day, cuz i couldnt concentrate. 

im so sad the series over. 

it was the book our generation grew up with.

isnt that crazy?

and now its over.

the next thing one can label with "its over".

and the mood in our house is weird.

not talking much.

moms kinda annoyed all the time. 

that doesnt help my state of mind at all. 

fuck.

i cannot take it anymore. 

i am devastated

and not gonna make it.
never. ever.
after all this.
without him.
NEVER.

i do not understand

not at all.
i was quite sure we could have solved it.
as normal human beings.
why is he doing this?
i probably need to get over it.
it doesnt seem worth it.
why did i let him get me into it?
i cannot go on.
his actions are pretty much clear...
even tho i still believe in some hope.
i should act rationally.
why does he always act like a coward?
it makes me mad.
and sad.
depressed!

and headaches been bothering me for more than two weeks.
i feel like my heads gonna explode.
its so painful.
and i have no idea what else to do than take pills.
however i try to take as little as possible, cuz i know very well it loses its effect over some period of time.

gosh, i should cut my hands or legs off... i drove there again today,
covinced i would go to the fucking entrance,
ring the bell and
talk to him.
...
his car wasnt there.

why doesnt he talk to me anymore?
what was the fucking purpose of all this?
why did he bother to write me in the first place?
if he hasnt replied until now when will he?
will he ever?
fuck.
i still cannot get him out of my mind.
its like a nightmare.

and im sooo stupid.
thats what its about.

im done with school for this year. which is great.
but next semester is going to be quite difficult.
not to mention i still have some exams to do in january.
actually,
the school is the only thing i got now.
except work.
great,
sounds attractive.

kill me now.
duh, shoot me in my head.
at least i wont think about him.

great

im sitting here.
crying.
i am so stupid. so much!
why would i even think it could work again?
i slept most of the time today.
and it feels exactly like the days 4 months ago.
the sleep saves me from the despair.
i so lost it.

ive been such a fool

cannot believe how easy ive fallen for him again.
he did such a horrible thing and i do not give a damn. not at all.
i just want him back.
isnt this freaking weird?
we changed a lot of messages.. and the result of all this "potential" whatever it was...?
talking about me having made out with some guys.
what?
i was single. he ditched me. he kicked me out of his life. so violently.
i was desperate.
didnt have anything to enjoy... to live for.
so after i got a bit better i went out and acted like a single girl
who wouldnt?
he ignored me. he didnt want me anymore.
so i tried if i could get closer to any guy anymore... that is fucking all.
i did nothing bad.
i had to live on. i couldnt be stuck at one point... i had to move on.
he was the one that fucking destroyed it!
and i was gonna ignore it, forget it, forgive it.
he fucked with some fucking whore and i am supposed to feel bad, cuz i kissed someone?
btw. of course he did it while we were still dating.
i am so down.
why did he even tell me? why would he do that after some fucking 4 months?
my momma told me today that i swear too fucking much.
i do.
but it releases my anger.
geez, he cheated on me. and i am the bad one.
i would love to start over.
but i wrote him the exact opposite.
i dont know why. i tried to write what i feel, but since he doesnt seem to really care i couldnt go on.
i am so desperate that i wrote him i cannot take this anymore. that nothing had changed.
and he did not argue. he just wrote okay, whatever you want.
i failed.
i failed in so many ways.
i said i wouldnt fall for him again.
i did.
i said i wouldnt answer if he decided to write me.
i did.
i swore i wouldnt go to the parking lot above his place.
i did.
i said i would stay focused and hard.
i didnt.

i really dont want it to be over.
or do i?
no.
i know it would be so much easier if i just simply moved on
but i have no idea how.
nothing works withouh him.
even tho i can party and such... and i dont need to care about anyone...
but.
you know...
no, of course you dont.
i cant even explain it to myself. how could i explain it to the others?
damn.

i sit here now
and wait for whatever he does.
as far as he does something.

the surprise of 4th December

ugh.
this made me so confused. i cant even tell.
everything i have ever believed in was messed up. totally.

i still do not believe.
i mean,
how could he?
how would he?
how did he?

he is the most conscientious and moral guy i know.
i would have never known if...

it was 4th December, 15 minutes till midnight.
and the message came.
it was simple, just 'all the best to your name day'
but i could not resist writing back.

who knows if i shouldve done that, but i did.
we talked. and i couldnt believe how similar feelings we both had.
his messages looked like they were written by me.
seriously!
the only thing which we differed in was how long the period of being seprated seemed to us.
i felt it was like the eternity, on the contrary he thought its was like two days.

and then it came.
he did cheat on me.
he wrote me so he could admit he was a cheater?
now? 4 months later?
how weird is that for the last two weeks ive been thinking what really happened between us?
where was the turning point?
i thought i was the one who destroyed our relationship.
i tried everything...
and suddenly here it was... he was the one who messed up.

he said he couldnt look at my eyes, neither his.
that he couldnt see me, cuz he didnt want to tell me, he knew it would hurt me too much.
he was scared that he would lose me.
but he did anyway.
i was so disappointed. and angry, of course. but relieved at once.
i finally knew what exactly happened.
and do not need to think about it all the time anymore.

but he did go on.
he said he still loved me. that i was the best thing he ever had. that hes desperate.
but that he wont interfere with my life anymore.
even tho he would like to make it up.

SERIOUSLY?!!
you cannot write you cheated on me, you love me and that you wont bother me anymore!
thats not how it goes.
it shouldnt be like that, jesus.

i am at the point i was four months ago.
he did not write anymore.
not yet.
and i still hope he will.

i do want to talk about it.
solve it.
i dont know, maybe im stupid...
i cannot resist the affection i have for him.
i so do not want to fall into it again...
but i know i love him.

even tho im very scared nothing has changed.
i promised i wouldnt try it again.
but this is so tough now.
i want it all back.
i need him.
fuck.

this is ridiculous

i dunno whats happening
but im seriously going crazy.
i think about him...
every single day.
every one!
this is not normal.
not good at all.
i miss it
i miss it all.
feel like i need to see him.
but thats bullshit
i know.
but cannot resist.
gettin weak.

so im thinking why this is happening. maybe because im lately stressed too much..?
the school stuff is just unbearable.
there are only two weeks left till the end of school.
and so much work to do.
i cannot sleep. or better, i would sleep cuz im tired as hell but i just need to work, work and work.
getting frustrated.
i need to get wasted. and i mean it.
but cant. cuz sure, i am working the whole weekend. and on top of that friday as well.
we also have a christmas party from work on saturday.
should i go or not?
i have a presentation and test on monday. need to get working on the corpus presentation. need to answer the case studies, write another essay. study for the banking test. do the bachelor thesis stuff for the seminar. and of course, read a fucking 200 page book for literature in film.
hopefully, there will be no exam in british satire. cuz its for sure we wont get away with one in irish literature.
geez. i need a day to be like hundred and fifty hours. could be more, i wouldnt mind.
dont know how ill get up tomorrow... and the days after...
hate it!
and my legs hurt so much!
fucking cramps in calfs. cannot get rid of them. it does hurt! really!

and hes still in my fucking head.
fuck!