i have tried

there is nothing more to say.

I am exactly were I was 4 months ago.

broken.

not able to function.

not able to live on.

this is like a bad dream coming true.

how can I get through it again?

I cannot...

about two months ago I said...

"either im over it, or it will come back to me and ill be broken again."

i never knew how true the second option was.

the thing is i didnt understand.

i didnt knew until now.

therefore its so much worse now.

would you ever give upon someone you knew you loved and they loved you back?

would you be able to do it?

who would?

how is it possible that he is capable of such an action?

all this doesnt respond to what he said before.

he talks in one way but acts in one that is totally opposite. how dare he?

i thought it would be different this time.

that he would fight.

fight til the end.

and the end would be something weve always dreamt of, planned, talked about...

geez, i know it wouldnt be easy.

but nothing is.

and the tough things pay back.

it works only this way.

we need to deserve it. but he backs off before even trying.

this is all wrong.

and i cant handle it.

on top of that, the winter semestrs over.

and i have so much time.

however i dont know how to use it.

so i just lay down all day.

every fucking day.

the problem is...

i could go on even tho my strength is less than little.

but i dont want to.

and i cannot force my body into something my head disapproves of.

its not normal, i know.

i might be in a serious need of some help.

i mean, professional?

i seriously havent done anything productive since i came home.

this makes me kind of worried.

i am not in a position that allows a procrastination.

[great, i just remembered probably the last time he told me he loved me.

i was watching lara and he went to mh. he didnt even wanna go.

but i told him he should, that he should have fun.

he came home kind of drunk.

honestly, it was funny and sweet.

and then he told me how much he loved me, how i was the most important thing in his life.

how he never wanted to lose me...]

this i will never forget.

and many others. of course...

three years of our lives..

i cannot stop the tears.

i lost the faith.

now i know why ive never had a guy before him.

i never used to trust them.

didnt want to get my heart broken.

but then he showed up and i couldnt resist.

and now? everything i believed in was crushed.

i was stupid to trust.

i should have kept the distance.

but ive never been a girl that dates one guy after another.

that doesnt care.

and thats the point.

then why doesnt he believe in me.. us?

gosh, i should stop writing stuff like this in here.

this is so depressive.

but i need to get it out.

and this is the only way i can think of.

at first i was trying to tell him... but he doesnt react anymore.

he said he cant do anything about it.

wtf?

how can he say that?

i tried everything.

i wanted to fix it.

i still want to.

but i feel im losing him.

im about to give up.

i love you.

and do not want to pretend i do not...

ive done enough of that.

                                                                                             

i cannot even sleep.

and that is scary. i havent slept in a normal way for weeks...

my head is aching. 

ive finally seen harry potter and the deathly hallows. 

a four hour movie? okay.

i loved it. even tho i watched it like the whole day, cuz i couldnt concentrate. 

im so sad the series over. 

it was the book our generation grew up with.

isnt that crazy?

and now its over.

the next thing one can label with "its over".

and the mood in our house is weird.

not talking much.

moms kinda annoyed all the time. 

that doesnt help my state of mind at all. 

fuck.

i cannot take it anymore.