ive been such a fool

cannot believe how easy ive fallen for him again.
he did such a horrible thing and i do not give a damn. not at all.
i just want him back.
isnt this freaking weird?
we changed a lot of messages.. and the result of all this "potential" whatever it was...?
talking about me having made out with some guys.
what?
i was single. he ditched me. he kicked me out of his life. so violently.
i was desperate.
didnt have anything to enjoy... to live for.
so after i got a bit better i went out and acted like a single girl
who wouldnt?
he ignored me. he didnt want me anymore.
so i tried if i could get closer to any guy anymore... that is fucking all.
i did nothing bad.
i had to live on. i couldnt be stuck at one point... i had to move on.
he was the one that fucking destroyed it!
and i was gonna ignore it, forget it, forgive it.
he fucked with some fucking whore and i am supposed to feel bad, cuz i kissed someone?
btw. of course he did it while we were still dating.
i am so down.
why did he even tell me? why would he do that after some fucking 4 months?
my momma told me today that i swear too fucking much.
i do.
but it releases my anger.
geez, he cheated on me. and i am the bad one.
i would love to start over.
but i wrote him the exact opposite.
i dont know why. i tried to write what i feel, but since he doesnt seem to really care i couldnt go on.
i am so desperate that i wrote him i cannot take this anymore. that nothing had changed.
and he did not argue. he just wrote okay, whatever you want.
i failed.
i failed in so many ways.
i said i wouldnt fall for him again.
i did.
i said i wouldnt answer if he decided to write me.
i did.
i swore i wouldnt go to the parking lot above his place.
i did.
i said i would stay focused and hard.
i didnt.

i really dont want it to be over.
or do i?
no.
i know it would be so much easier if i just simply moved on
but i have no idea how.
nothing works withouh him.
even tho i can party and such... and i dont need to care about anyone...
but.
you know...
no, of course you dont.
i cant even explain it to myself. how could i explain it to the others?
damn.

i sit here now
and wait for whatever he does.
as far as he does something.