running out of time

so busy and so tired!

saturday and sunday, both spent at work. gosh, i fell asleep at 1 or 2 on saturday, had to get up at 4. a terrible work day, what the fuck are the people shopping all the time for? crazy stupid ones. of course i wanted to go to bed in the afternoon, but had to much to deal with. law... and ice-hockey of course. you know what i did? there were 15 seconds left till the end of the game. i got up, said i couldnt watch it anymore and went to my room. i shut the door and heard zaruba shouting: goal, gooooal!! WTF?!! :-D how is this possible? seriously!
i fell asleep round two again on sunday. got up at 6, well, was supposed to, i kinda overslept. at least not much. sooo happy i could leave an hour early. but! i got home and had to make 74 pies with the potatoe filling. i was supposed to sleep, jesus! okay, i got to bed at two prolly, and the moment i laid down i knew nothing bout the world :-P
drove my parents to kunin. they had to pick up their cars. the way back? haha, me, mom, dad. every one of us in their own car. very funny. since we drove one behind the another :-D

a nice talk with el (luv ya)! aaand, the ice-hockey game again in the evening. great, do not need to comment this. proud of them.

we met with hanca on monday. had dinner and went through all the stuff we needed for the law credit test. aah, got so tired, but it was helpful and we had a great time.
about the test... i dunno. i hope we succeeded.
yay, we had a good evening yesterday with my homies.

btw. we made it!! got credits for macroeconomics!! HAPPY as shit!:-D

having another test tmrw.. wish me luck. yuck.

wanted to get up very early every fucking day. i wasnt able to. i am so tired and will prolly die soon :-D need some rest but cant see when im gonna get it :-P
and seriously, tell me what is this fucking weather about?? rainy, sunny, cloudy, rainy, windy, cooold, hooot. WTF?? omg!
going home tmrw. kinda excited!;-)
and a party with el on friday or saturday.
oh, elections on friday! you all need to vote. thats an order!:-D

and i was told i look like a thirteen-year old. ehm, thx a lot :-D
and those phone calls...:-* thank you!

gah

thinking too much...

complicating things.

always...

STUPID ME!:-D

mm... the way it is

a special day it was yesterday.
a special place, a special talk, a special atmosphere...
a special two.

if it was just possible to get rid of everyone else but us...
would make me happy.
well, i was happy anyway ;-)

it took so much time... repression... pain.
and then... it was so simple.
so... familiar.

cant explain why i did what i did. have no idea what forced me to take heart... i didnt really think about it... but anyways, im glad it happened.
even tho it will prolly be very complicated.
as hell.

"life is a bitch because if it was a slut it would be easy"

loved today... it was highly spontaneous.
YES!

some kind of happiness

well, talking again. i have no idea what it means, but it makes me strangely calm... and relieved...

thank you.

i did get to know what has never been said before. i was so surprised by the honesty and wisdom.

even tho i got really sad when discussin the issue, it helped me a lot. i needed this.
i needed to know that we can talk again. i needed to know there is still this something... and dont even know the reason why.

complicated, i know.

i am a weirdo. but trying to figure this out. i really am.

tuesday's madness

I SIMPLY LOVE THEM!

we went shopping in the morning. me and janca took pity on michal and helped him to choose the best shoes that he s-e-r-i-o-u-s-l-y needed. it took us a while, lol. but at first we had to go for groceries... ended up buying lots of alcohol. mm, i was soo excited fot the gin-tonic-lemon drink, that i knew what i needed. and michal? no comment on that :-D two bottles of tullamore dew, because it was discounted. sooo funny.
we bought an amazing pair of shoes. proud of us.

lunch, lunch then. yummy.

okay, i had a counsultation 'bout the essay ive written. at 2pm. she wasnt ready... gosh, got home at half past four... but, she really pleased me. she told me so many good things about the essay, i was really satisfied with it, cuz i didnt have the best feeling when writing all the stuff down. yay, im happy. need to rewrite some little parts but whatever.

and the best part of the day was the evening with my homies. we were in the dorm kitchen at first. michal was the dj of the night :-D oooh, drinking, smoking, chatting, dancing aaand taking pictures - some beautiful ones. didnt let radim sleep :-D ate cucumber and popcorn. talked to janca on the terrace (i love her). a greek girl who spoke czech. we even called el! that was a very very hilarious phone call. all of us talked to her and yeah, she laughed a lot :-D i just love her. later, the "dorm-lady" came because of the noise we were making. she was funny. well, we had to leave soooo there was no doubt about going to 15!:-D
what a pity janca didnt join us.

so we went to the pub and i was already carrying a drink :-D yeah, why would i throw away such a great drink? at least i didnt get thirsty on the way. a great conversation with martin who actually finished the drink :-D
facebook party in 15! beautiful masks (have all of them at home, one is already in the car), cool music, and tequillas.
dancing with all!! crazy dancers :-D
mm.. should i say anything about the smashed bulbs? spilled drinks? spits on the floor? flipped table? stolen stuff? aaah, great night.
loved the dancing, seriously! and singing!
you guys were great.

got home at 5 am? and had an urgent need to wash the dishes. broke a plate... his favorite one... which made me kinda sad...
slept three hours... lost my voice... and was still drunk at noon. do not laugh :-D

desperate insanity

chasing dreams

oh no, even dreams are chasing me now. do i really deserve that? i am sick of it.
had a dream on friday that he died, i cried, then smiled because he survived. (huh, i rhyme)
had a dream on saturday that we got back together and it was so weird... i just remember how we were hugging and crying... and kissing. and i honestly thought it was true. i was so happy on one hand and confused on the other. i just knew i had to be with him again but when it happened i wasnt sure it was right. and... it was like we have never fought before.
how am i supposed to be okay? since i cant even sleep and when i finally fall asleep these things are gettin me down...
i need a break! its constantly inside of my head, i cant think about anything else. the depression is getting worse and worse with every single day that comes.

shall we really be as we have never known each other? i cant forget, i cant get it out of my head... i want to keep in touch. even tho its prolly not the best idea. but i cannot go on with it being like that. no more!!

so i went to pick up my grandparents yesterday. and drove a while behind a car... a car that went 35 km/h. who the fuck does that? gee, 50 km/h is slow, how can someone drive even slower? think when driving, stupid!

yesterday was a great day. it was just perfect! (well, there was something that could be done differently, and someone was missing, but fuck that)

i came to paulitas at 4. we made some gulps and sandwiches. prepared the table and started to drink. lol. there were some accidents during this but who cares. everything was okay.
when the guys came at six everything was ready. we drank and talked and smoked and laughed and ate and drank again.
the people were amazing!! and the talks with the one were just so relieving. a huge thanks belongs to each and one of you!
we really drank too much but it seems like i cant handle more and more alcohol... well, who wouldnt after three weeks of almost constant drinking..?
and i wanted to do it sooo much! but couldnt, it just didnt seem right and dont even know why.. i should have done it. stupid girl.
and i wrote a text i shouldnt have, i got an answer today... but fuck it, its not worth it... prolly.
of course we went to "koruna"... and this can fully sum it up: PAST BELIEF! we danced and sang and just partied like crazy!
i finally talked to pavel and we explained some things. thank you, honey! you have been here for me for more than... geez, how many? 8 years? well many and many...
and i am so glad marek was enjoying himself that much. that was a great thing to be part of it. it was a pleasure to help someone else than myself.

BUT! yeah, there is this one but. the fact that im single and dancing "alone" just in a group of people does not mean i am a fucking PUBLIC PROPERTY!! guys, are you kidding me? touch someone who wants to be touched. cuz i did not want to hugged, smacked and danced with... i was so frustrated!! get a life you poor little things. stop rushing into someone who wants to have a break! yuck, it was terrible to dance and be aware of every single guy that passed by and touched you...
at least pavlik was protecting me after all.. no surprise, my desperate looks had to be sayin it all.

came home at five and ate cabbage. lol. and drank a lot of water which showed to be a good idea after all, cuz i felt fine in the morning.
the only issue was that i could not talk. hell of a funny thing.

btw. i watched the "ulice" searies on tuesday and friday. i could not believe my eyes. they took my life and put it on tv. cuz that is IT. she is living my life. and i soo understand what shes going through. but do YOU get it?

id love to fall asleep and wake up at least a hundred years from now. it is possible that everything would be okay by then.
i want to do something with it. I NEED TO!

and richard? that fucking douchebag!! a credit test on thursday. what a joke. get a life, jerk.

one last thing... was i seriously thinking why i was seeing him off? was i really that stupid?!! no, i knew it... just hope it could be something different. silly stupid girl.
i cant get through this. i cant...
after the changed relationship status, checkout, being deleted from friends... why am i surprised again?
i should do with it. god help me.

oh, and cant believe he smokes again..!

last couple days

okay, it has been tough lately... tougher than i thought it would be. but thank god i have some awesome friends that are getting me through it.
i also learned how hard it is to get a stopper out of a bottle. one should know that. and drink the whole bottle of wine is funny (if we refuse to use the word desperate, because honestly, it is a desperate action).
i got my nail polished, which was cool, and spend some quality time with the girls.
what happened next was extremely hurting. it was like getting stab right into my heart. but as he said, it must have been done. althought im sure there were many different ways how to do it.
monday was a party day. well, it actually started with: i dont know if i wanna get drunk again...
but hanca was the best: i have a credit test at 8 am, ill have just one beer.
there wasnt a one beer.
there was one after another. and whose idea was it to get tequillas?? nope, dont say it was mine.
we danced! and it was absolutely great!! i loved it!
mm... the toilet scene. it was hilarious. have no idea why we did it but whatever..
we seriously stole 17 shots. i dont understand how we did it. we were just ordering new shots without returning the old ones... i was laughing so hard when taking them out of the bag in the morning.
sure the night ended by me being sick, but as i said a couple times, i needed that. and the way home? rather no comment, lol.
the weather on tuesday exactly expressed my mood. quite nice during the day and then a huge storm came. just like this. i have it the same, being quite okay and then the sudden break down.
yesterday was surprisingly terrible. dont even ask why.
i seriously cant take this anymore. i thought i could handle this. i cant.
being getting rid of like this is bad.
thinking i made a mistake is chasing me down... have you ever found out you love someone but hate them at the same time? hate them for what they are doing to you? how they make everything much tougher?
crazy feeling. and i cant do anything about it.
well, wish me luck to get over it soon. or to solve it somehow. i dont know..
gettin drunk on saturday. wohoo, paulits birthday!
sleep, sleep, right now!

never apologize for moving on

well yeah, a very good piece of advice..
feeling worse and worse every single day. i just thought it would get better, and it kinda did. but only until the moment of another desperate action of his.
why cant we act like mature ones? why do we need to hurt each other? and seriously, was this right?
i am not sure about anything any more. its been so weird. and tough.
i found a way to get out of it... but it works only for a couple of hours. and honestly, being drunk almost every day is sick. i hate myself for doing this. but i see no other option right now.
i do not eat right, i do not sleep right... it starts drivin me crazy.
when i think about it, i did this to be happy again, to see the light in my eyes, for the laughter and such. but it works no more. only when i am with them.
they are seriously saving me! i would have gone crazy not having those freaks.
when the day comes to its end it seems like im falling deeper and deeper. thats why we have a lil drinkin problem here. no, kidding, not a problem, its just too much for the old me. but i can handle that.
guys, seriously...
was i right about this decision i made??
because i know no more...
lovin and hatin - both at a time...