chasing dreams

oh no, even dreams are chasing me now. do i really deserve that? i am sick of it.
had a dream on friday that he died, i cried, then smiled because he survived. (huh, i rhyme)
had a dream on saturday that we got back together and it was so weird... i just remember how we were hugging and crying... and kissing. and i honestly thought it was true. i was so happy on one hand and confused on the other. i just knew i had to be with him again but when it happened i wasnt sure it was right. and... it was like we have never fought before.
how am i supposed to be okay? since i cant even sleep and when i finally fall asleep these things are gettin me down...
i need a break! its constantly inside of my head, i cant think about anything else. the depression is getting worse and worse with every single day that comes.

shall we really be as we have never known each other? i cant forget, i cant get it out of my head... i want to keep in touch. even tho its prolly not the best idea. but i cannot go on with it being like that. no more!!

so i went to pick up my grandparents yesterday. and drove a while behind a car... a car that went 35 km/h. who the fuck does that? gee, 50 km/h is slow, how can someone drive even slower? think when driving, stupid!

yesterday was a great day. it was just perfect! (well, there was something that could be done differently, and someone was missing, but fuck that)

i came to paulitas at 4. we made some gulps and sandwiches. prepared the table and started to drink. lol. there were some accidents during this but who cares. everything was okay.
when the guys came at six everything was ready. we drank and talked and smoked and laughed and ate and drank again.
the people were amazing!! and the talks with the one were just so relieving. a huge thanks belongs to each and one of you!
we really drank too much but it seems like i cant handle more and more alcohol... well, who wouldnt after three weeks of almost constant drinking..?
and i wanted to do it sooo much! but couldnt, it just didnt seem right and dont even know why.. i should have done it. stupid girl.
and i wrote a text i shouldnt have, i got an answer today... but fuck it, its not worth it... prolly.
of course we went to "koruna"... and this can fully sum it up: PAST BELIEF! we danced and sang and just partied like crazy!
i finally talked to pavel and we explained some things. thank you, honey! you have been here for me for more than... geez, how many? 8 years? well many and many...
and i am so glad marek was enjoying himself that much. that was a great thing to be part of it. it was a pleasure to help someone else than myself.

BUT! yeah, there is this one but. the fact that im single and dancing "alone" just in a group of people does not mean i am a fucking PUBLIC PROPERTY!! guys, are you kidding me? touch someone who wants to be touched. cuz i did not want to hugged, smacked and danced with... i was so frustrated!! get a life you poor little things. stop rushing into someone who wants to have a break! yuck, it was terrible to dance and be aware of every single guy that passed by and touched you...
at least pavlik was protecting me after all.. no surprise, my desperate looks had to be sayin it all.

came home at five and ate cabbage. lol. and drank a lot of water which showed to be a good idea after all, cuz i felt fine in the morning.
the only issue was that i could not talk. hell of a funny thing.

btw. i watched the "ulice" searies on tuesday and friday. i could not believe my eyes. they took my life and put it on tv. cuz that is IT. she is living my life. and i soo understand what shes going through. but do YOU get it?

id love to fall asleep and wake up at least a hundred years from now. it is possible that everything would be okay by then.
i want to do something with it. I NEED TO!

and richard? that fucking douchebag!! a credit test on thursday. what a joke. get a life, jerk.

one last thing... was i seriously thinking why i was seeing him off? was i really that stupid?!! no, i knew it... just hope it could be something different. silly stupid girl.
i cant get through this. i cant...
after the changed relationship status, checkout, being deleted from friends... why am i surprised again?
i should do with it. god help me.

oh, and cant believe he smokes again..!