guilty - i shed a tear.

i dont know... but i guess this must be a sort of very depressing blog.
i always write here when im in a weird frame of mind.
this weekend wasnt bad for any particular reason... but it just seems like nothings okay.

i feel like saying "im okay", "im done with it", "its over" was a bit of prejudication.
the thing is... he really made me feel gloomy.
no idea if it was his intention but since the very moment he wrote me "that stuff" on fb i have been thinking bout him.
not in a way that i didnt choose to do the right thing, dont get me wrong... but i suddenly feel so lonely.

he drove to my house to give me the pants (uh, give is not an appropriate word for what he had done, he only dropped them in front of the door), and i thought it was okay. i kinda dealt with it. but the mistake ive done was to smell the pants.
you know... every single home has a typical scent. and i sooo remember theirs.
btw he didnt take his stuff i put there for him to take away. which, to be honest, didnt surprise me at all...

duh, since then ive been feeling this weird loneliness and emptiness.
i have never been a kind of girl that dates a lot of guys, that makes out with hundreds of them or that easily falls for anyone... it took me nineteen years to have a first relationship. how am i supposed to find someone else?
i dont even want to be looking for someone to take his place (i mean, i would like it to be him but he would need to be a totally different person, which is impossible). i dont even have time to be social anyway...
but i miss the times of cuddling.

geez, this is so complicated.
i cannot get rid of the feeling he made all of this on purpose... to get into my head again... so i wouldnt be that much sure im over with it. am i supposed to be feeling guilty? how was the sentence "hopefully, youll be better and happier like this" meant? was it like: you will never be allright without me?

i realized i miss those times a hell lot. but i know it cannot be "redone", the fixed relationships do not work... we have tried this, and it ended up much worse than the first time. which is a shame. i really would like to make it work again. to have it all back. ive been thinking of all these things weve experienced together. i remember every single moment. even the most trivial. of course im talking just about the good ones, no one wants to remember the bad ones.
and yeah, those were great. i will always miss them.

i would like to be a girl that doesnt date a guy she would like to spend her entire life with. because really, i cannot be with just someone. i need to feel hes the right one.
and i do not want to undergo any searching again... since this "thing" we had toghether didnt work out even tho i was sure it was something special.
now i know how bad it is when a relationship ends. and when youre the one who doesnt want it to be like that. well, this was even worse, cuz actually neither of us wanted it to be done. but he did it anyway.

his grandpa was in lidl yesterday. great. it was so visible he knew whats going on. i felt the urge to explain it all. and that i havent wanted it to end, that it was him who did it... i felt so sad... it all came back very fast.

but dont be foolish, im just having a moment. i can get it under control. and i will.
despite this, i hate myself for being this weak.
i know i made a right choice. i need to be happy with what i have. which is actually nothing right now but who cares.
i know i am better like this. i do not need to be dealing with any kind of troubles. i am the only one i need to care about.
its still tough.
but im strong. i am..