the surprise of 4th December

ugh.
this made me so confused. i cant even tell.
everything i have ever believed in was messed up. totally.

i still do not believe.
i mean,
how could he?
how would he?
how did he?

he is the most conscientious and moral guy i know.
i would have never known if...

it was 4th December, 15 minutes till midnight.
and the message came.
it was simple, just 'all the best to your name day'
but i could not resist writing back.

who knows if i shouldve done that, but i did.
we talked. and i couldnt believe how similar feelings we both had.
his messages looked like they were written by me.
seriously!
the only thing which we differed in was how long the period of being seprated seemed to us.
i felt it was like the eternity, on the contrary he thought its was like two days.

and then it came.
he did cheat on me.
he wrote me so he could admit he was a cheater?
now? 4 months later?
how weird is that for the last two weeks ive been thinking what really happened between us?
where was the turning point?
i thought i was the one who destroyed our relationship.
i tried everything...
and suddenly here it was... he was the one who messed up.

he said he couldnt look at my eyes, neither his.
that he couldnt see me, cuz he didnt want to tell me, he knew it would hurt me too much.
he was scared that he would lose me.
but he did anyway.
i was so disappointed. and angry, of course. but relieved at once.
i finally knew what exactly happened.
and do not need to think about it all the time anymore.

but he did go on.
he said he still loved me. that i was the best thing he ever had. that hes desperate.
but that he wont interfere with my life anymore.
even tho he would like to make it up.

SERIOUSLY?!!
you cannot write you cheated on me, you love me and that you wont bother me anymore!
thats not how it goes.
it shouldnt be like that, jesus.

i am at the point i was four months ago.
he did not write anymore.
not yet.
and i still hope he will.

i do want to talk about it.
solve it.
i dont know, maybe im stupid...
i cannot resist the affection i have for him.
i so do not want to fall into it again...
but i know i love him.

even tho im very scared nothing has changed.
i promised i wouldnt try it again.
but this is so tough now.
i want it all back.
i need him.
fuck.