a fish out of water

feel kinda redundant. which actually doesnt make any sense.
but i cant help it.
i always wanted to have a little bit of air to breathe. just not saying every stupid thing and explaining what ive done and who i have talked to...
i have plenty of this now. or it seems like i do.
the feeling of being useless is killing me. it really is.
i am getting lost in this, more and more, every single day.
i would love to have a normal relationship. argh.
i want to know those little unnecessary things that make his life complete. or.. at least something, the basic stuff?
when it comes to being replaced by everyone else, its just a desperate situation. and no clue how to get out of it.
i want to be important again.
not to sit at home and wait until he spends all his time with everyone else but me. and if hes not tired much or its not too late then he lets me know. and i can come at last.
and why does he forget all the things i tell him? why he doesnt want to be with me? talk to me?
i actually feel ignored from time to time. when everything is more important and i am the last one to think about.
all these little hints like nameday, christmas, not saying everything, not talking at all, being involved in too many things, not caring...
and then whatever i say... its wrong. totally.
i thought i would be happy and i actually still do... but seeing how careless he is... makes me so desperate.
i just break down every fucking evening.. cant help it. even tho the day can go smoothly, the evening is all the same every single day.
do i really expect that much?
and when i was told that it probably is supposed to be like that now, i felt like an idiot.
[do you wanna be with me any longer?]
i dont have any strength to fight this. im so helpless.
not getting any feedback from his is so tough. how am i supposed to know he likes me? or wants to be with me?
is there anyone else? anyone who he talks to more than to me? whom he likes more? who he wants to be with?
aaah, crazy shit running through my head.
losing control.