confusion

hey, guess what's funny!
i wanted to write a bit and it was supposed to be a happy one. and... if i have written it, i swear, it would have been happy.
but a couple hours passed and im exactly where i was before.
thank you!

i have just no freaking idea whats going on.
not interested in me anymore? then tell me!
what the fuck are you waiting for?
i have already been so tired from all this pointless trying!
i cant believe i can handle this anymore.
the question is: for how much longer...

i would slap myself in the face!
for what i do, what i have done or what i will do.
this is so stupid.

as one said: perfection is not only about control. its also about letting go.
should i let go? should i?
i would. but im not able to.
im puttin so much in this. and there is nothing coming back.
WHY?

everything i do or say is wrong...
always
every single day
every single action
every single word

i am desperate!
breaking down again...
why not, its a new way of life.
a very weird one but to someone? not at all...

this just completely screwed up.
completely
piece after piece
one by one